Introduction
I recently read “Modern Romance” and found it insightful and relevant to my experiences with dating and relationships. I shared this book with my uncle, who is over 50 years old and has been married for over 30 years. He was intrigued by the concept of online dating and how technology has changed the dating scene.
The author talked about how there were no dating apps or websites when he was dating, and people relied on meeting through friends or at social events. He found connecting with someone online before meeting in person exciting and intimidating. He also mentioned how social media has made it easier to keep in touch with old flames or crushes from the past, which he sees as both positive and negative.
In terms of relationship types, my uncle spoke about how when he was younger, it was more common for couples to get married and stay together for life, regardless of whether they were truly happy or not. He thinks that today, people are more focused on finding the right partner and being comfortable in their relationships. He also discussed how the idea of gender roles has shifted, with more women working outside the home and sharing household responsibilities.
When it comes to narratives about love and marriage, my uncle shared that he thinks there is less pressure now for people to get married and have children at a young age. He sees this as a positive change, allowing people to focus on personal and professional growth before settling down. He also mentioned how there is less stigma surrounding divorce now and how people are encouraged to seek help and support when their relationships are struggling.
Typologies
According to Gibson (2015), a “doing” family refers to families that focus on achieving goals, accomplishing tasks, and getting things done. In these families, the members are expected to work hard, be productive, and contribute to the family’s success. This approach can have positive outcomes, such as fostering independence, responsibility, and self-reliance. However, it can also lead to a lack of emotional connection and neglect of individual needs, as the focus is mainly on performance and productivity.
On the other hand, “displaying” family refers to families that prioritize image, reputation, and appearance. In these families, the emphasis is on projecting a particular image to the outside world, often hiding flaws, weaknesses, or conflicts. Members are expected to behave in a certain way, follow strict rules, and conform to social norms. This approach can lead to a sense of belonging, security, and social acceptance. However, it can also foster a lack of authenticity, self-expression, and intimacy, as the focus is mainly on appearances and conformity.
The function of these practices varies depending on the family’s values, beliefs, and culture. “Doing” families may express a strong work ethic, achievement orientation, and self-reliance, while “displaying” families may express a concern for social status, image management, and conformity. These practices can also reflect the family’s coping mechanisms, such as avoiding emotions, conflict, or vulnerability and maintaining control over the environment. In both cases, however, the underlying message is that the family’s needs and expectations come before the individual’s.
Constructing a family lifeline helps us gain insight into the events that shaped our lives. My family lifeline began in 1920 when my great-grandparents immigrated to the United States. It follows the birth of my grandparents in the 1930s and my parents’ birth in the 1960s. The lifeline continues to the present day, ending in 2023. Along the line, significant historical events include World War II, the Cold War, the Civil Rights Movement, and the advancement of technology. Below the line, my family experienced various events such as marriages, divorces, career changes, and health issues. My grandparents moved several times due to job opportunities, and my parents divorced when I was ten. This exercise helps me see how family events and external factors have influenced my life and my family’s dynamics.
Marital Processes
The first episode of “Grace and Frankie” on Netflix is about two married couples who have been friends for decades. The husbands reveal to their wives that they are gay and have been having an affair with each other for twenty years. Wolkomir’s (2009) research on identity management and stigma-neutralization techniques is evident in the reactions of both couples and their families.
In addition, the husbands utilized the identity management technique of passing. They passed as heterosexual men and maintained their marriages and societal expectations. They also used the stigma-neutralization method of downplaying the importance of their sexuality by stating that their affair was not the reason for their marital dissatisfaction. On the other hand, the wives utilized the technique of disidentifying by denying the relevance of their husbands’ sexuality to their own identities as wives and mothers.
Besides, the families utilized the technique of discrediting. They discredited the husbands’ sexuality by suggesting it was a phase or a choice. They also used the normalization technique by emphasizing the importance of family and maintaining the status quo, regardless of the husbands’ sexuality.
The dynamics within these marriages could influence whether each couple decides to stay together romantically/sexually, stay together platonically, or divorce. The utilization of identity management and stigma-neutralization techniques by both couples and their families could affect their individual and collective decisions. The husbands may decide to pursue their newfound sexuality and divorce their wives. The wives may choose to stay together platonically, maintain their family dynamic, or divorce their husbands due to the betrayal and realization that their husbands were not indeed in love with them.
Childbearing
Lareau’s (2002) study on social class and parenting styles identified two communication styles: constraint and entitlement. Constraint is characterized by indirect communication, obedience to authority, and respect for rules and social norms. Entitlement, on the other hand, is characterized by direct contact, assertiveness, and a sense of entitlement to voice opinions and challenge authority.
My communication style is more consistent with constraints. This is primarily influenced by my upbringing, where respect for authority and adherence to social norms were emphasized. The language used at home was often formal and indirect, and I was taught to avoid confrontation and prioritize obedience to authority figures. My family had limited social connections, and daily life was organized around routines and schedules to maintain stability and predictability.
As a result, my communication style continues to shape my interactions and outcomes with dominant institutions like healthcare, schools, courts, and financial institutions. I approach these institutions with a sense of deference and respect for their authority, often prioritizing compliance over asserting my own needs and preferences. This can lead to a lack of assertiveness and a reluctance to challenge dominant narratives or institutions, potentially impacting my outcomes and experiences within these systems.
However, I also recognize the limitations of a constraint communication style and its potential to reinforce power imbalances and perpetuate inequality. As I navigate these dominant institutions, I am developing a more nuanced communication style that balances respect for authority with assertiveness and a willingness to challenge norms and advocate for myself and others. This requires a conscious effort to recognize and challenge my own internalized biases and assumptions, as well as ongoing education and advocacy work to promote more significant equity and justice within these systems.
Struggles, Communication, and Healing
I decided to focus on the maturity awareness approach proposed by Gibson (2015). This approach suggests that individuals can improve their relationships by focusing on their emotional maturity and identifying areas where they need to grow. To implement this approach, Gibson means that individuals must understand the key characteristics of emotional maturity, including self-awareness, empathy, emotional regulation, and interpersonal skills.
This approach helped increase my self-awareness and identify areas where I need to grow. By focusing on emotional maturity, I could see areas where I struggle, such as emotional regulation and interpersonal skills. I also found it helpful to reflect on situations where I may have reacted less maturely and identify ways to handle the situation better.
One aspect of this approach that was particularly helpful was the emphasis on self-awareness. Understanding my emotions and reactions allows me to regulate my behavior better and respond to others more maturely. I also found it helpful to focus on empathy and understanding others’ perspectives, which helped me to develop more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Presentation
As someone who enjoys the TV series “This is Us,” I find it particularly enjoyable and relatable because of its realistic portrayal of family dynamics and the challenges families face. The show presents a multigenerational family with complex relationships and individual struggles, which makes it easy for viewers to connect with the characters and their experiences. Additionally, the show often touches on themes of identity, love, loss, and forgiveness, which are universal and emotionally resonant.
However, the show has also been criticized for its problematic representations and narrative devices. For example, some have argued that the show relies too heavily on stereotypes and overly dramatic plot twists, which can be frustrating or alienating for some viewers. Additionally, the show has been criticized for its lack of diversity and representation, particularly regarding race and sexual orientation.
Regarding representation strategies and narrative devices, “This is Us” often utilizes flashbacks and non-linear storytelling to explore the characters’ past experiences and how they have shaped their current struggles. The show also features a large ensemble cast, representing a wide range of perspectives and experiences. However, some critics have argued that the show’s heavy reliance on emotional manipulation and melodrama can detract from its overall impact and believability.
“This is Us” may have some problematic elements, but it still resonates with audiences by presenting relatable family dynamics and exploring universal themes of love, loss, and forgiveness. In terms of its connection to Gibson’s (2015), Lareau’s (2002), and Wolkomir’s (2009) work, the show highlights the importance of understanding and navigating complex family dynamics while also acknowledging the influence of social class and communication styles on these relationships, therefore support the content of these course materials.
After listening to lectures by Mette Kim-Larsen or JJ Javelet, I found several aspects particularly valuable. One of the topics that stood out to me was the struggles that families and intimate relationships can face, such as communication breakdowns, power imbalances, and infidelity. It was helpful to learn about these challenges and how they can be addressed through open communication, boundary-setting, and seeking professional help.
Another topic that I found valuable was communication and healing. It was interesting to learn about the different communication styles that people may have, such as those associated with entitlement or constraint, and how they can be influenced by upbringing and social class. I also appreciated learning about strategies for improving communication, such as active listening and validating others’ perspectives. Additionally, the lectures provided valuable insights into the process of healing from past traumas and emotional wounds, which can be complex and require ongoing effort.
While I found the lectures to be informative and engaging, there were some areas where I would have liked more elaboration. For example, the lectures briefly touched on the impact of technology on family and intimate relationships. Still, I wanted to hear more about this topic and how it affects communication and relationship dynamics. The lectures could have benefited from more diverse examples and perspectives, particularly those related to race, gender, and sexual orientation.
References
Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents
Lareau, A. (2002). Invisible inequality: Social class and childrearing in black families and white families. American sociological review, 747-776.
Wolkomir, M. (2009). Making heteronormative reconciliations: The story of romantic love, sexuality, and gender in mixed-orientation marriages. Gender & Society, 23(4), 494-519.
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