For individuals to understand and coexist with one another, they have to communicate. For this reason, communication is an important aspect of human interactions as through this, they are able to share experiences. Men and women communicate differently according to a study presented by Deborah Tannen, who tries to explain the different communication styles between them. In most occasions, gender roles and societal expectations, dictate and guide how individuals communicate. For instance, men are more likely to be in formal settings as opposed to women as a way of exerting influence. It is very common for conflict to arise simply because one misinterpreted the message or another expressed it inappropriately. This essay will explore expectations, provide real-life scenarios, and analyze relationships to showcase the need for understanding and the impact of gendered conversation styles.
It can be cumbersome to know what an individual requires, especially if they are not saying it directly. Having to be a mind reader and guess what a person needs is an uphill task, as the majority of the time, you are likely to get it wrong. In the “He Said, She Said” film, Tannen explains the concept of directness and indirectness whereby she states that men are more likely to ask what they want directly, as opposed to women who would rather ask a question or place a suggestion, hoping that the discussion will eventually lead to what they want (Into the class media, 2000). During the summer, I celebrated my birthday with my family and a few friends. Since I always made a point to explain how much I love rock music, I expected that at least someone would bring me tickets as a gift. Even though, they brought something I liked, I was disappointed and a bit angry that no one brought me rock tickets or even suggested that we should attend a concert together. Everyone noticed my change in mood and a friend of mine pulled me aside to identify the problem, and that is when I told him that all I wanted were concert tickets. He told me that the next time I want something, I should be more direct about it to make work easier for everyone and to avoid getting hurt. This occurrence shifted my mindset and made me think about the many times I got disappointed simply by being indirect and expecting people to know what I wanted. This unfulfilling cycle explains Tannen’s construct on directness and indirectness. With this knowledge, I ask for what I want directly. I have seen improvement ever since; I knew that communication could be the key to preventing unnecessary heartache and making relationships so much easier.
Gendered conversation styles nearly cost me my friendship with my best friend. The strain in our relationship was caused by a tendency to indulge in ritual opposition, oblivious of the hurt it caused to people. In Tannen’s “He Said, She Said” film, ritual opposition is described as the propensity for men to engage in verbal aggression, teasing, and fighting for fun with the aim of forming connections. At the same time, women find it to be offensive (Into the Class Media, 2000). I had gone to meet my friend for lunch, and I commented on her outfit, telling her that she looked like she got dressed in the dark. I said it on a light note, as a joke and a way to lighten up the mood. But she was very offended, and she became very quiet while we were eating, which was unlike her. Later, she told me that my comment was insensitive and felt like I was insulting her style. She said I should have known better, considering that they were struggling financially and those were the only clothes she could afford. She reminded me of the times she helped me select outfits, as I am very poor at color coding. I apologized, and we resolved the issue, but unfortunately, the next time we interacted, I teased her. She got really angry, and she did not speak to me for weeks, which turned into an unhealthy relationship pattern. I analyzed the situation from her perspective, and I understand her reasons for reacting the way she did. If only I had looked at it from her point of view and applied the stereotyped notions about gender in communication, I would have avoided the pain and hurt I caused and possibly saved us the difficult conversations.
It is very common for people to communicate differently, both in public and private. This is mainly influenced by gendered conversation styles, which may result in conflict. Tannen presents the construct of public vs private talk in the film “He Said, She Said,” whereby she explains that men are more likely to talk in public as they feel like they are contributing as opposed to women who talk in private to foster connection. Tannen also states that women tend to be more detailed oriented when communicating in private as compared to brief men. My mother often complained about my father’s silence when they were together. I overheard her speaking on the phone with my aunt, ranting about how he seemed disinterested in what she had to say and how he seemed comfortable sharing private matters with others. While my father preferred reading the newspaper, watching football, and playing miniature golf, my mother wanted to talk about her day and detail the interactions she had with people she met. My father never saw an issue as he tried to open up in some cases. However, my mother always felt like he was holding back when it came to her, but free with everyone else, yet he was providing him with a free space to share. However, my father was not doing it out of ill intention; he felt it easier to talk in a group as it was a way of contributing rather than responding passively. Ultimately, they started arguing more, and their communication significantly reduced until they did not talk to each other anymore. Failure of both of them to compromise and accept each other’s preferences forced them to separate and my father to move out. The damage was irreparable; in this case, the misunderstandings brought by poor communication eventually won.
Gendered conversation styles caused conflict between me and my boss when I was working at a fast-food restaurant. Tannen’s status and connection construct, detailed in the “He Said, She Said Film,” contributed to the conflict. According to Tannen, men use language to negotiate their status in the group and prefer taking center stage, with men who take orders being viewed as of a lower status. Women, however, are more concerned with building connections by using language to create friendships. I used to work the morning shift, but on that particular day, my colleague was not present, so I had to fill in for him at night. After I finished my work, I told the boss that I was leaving, but he insisted that I should wait for him to drive me since he lived nearby. I protested since the others were leaving, but he stated that it was not safe during that time of the night, and as a man, he could not stop ranting about how he could not live with himself if something happened. I was angry as I felt that he was patronizing me and pushing the stereotype that women are weak. I understood his concerns but both our intentions were misinterpreted. He wanted to help by protecting me; I wanted to connect with him without being a bother. If we could have analyzed the matter from each other’s perspective, we would have avoided the tension that was present for the next couple of days. The situation would not have escalated if we viewed it as a struggle between power and connection. However, since I realized my mistake, I am less likely to fall into the same trap.
From the knowledge I have gathered regarding these constructs and the experiences I have shared, I have concluded that considering gender conversation styles is essential in communication. As showcased by the examples, it is much easier to avoid conflict when conversations are viewed from the “male” and “female” perspectives. Even though Tannen’s findings are groundbreaking, individuals should break gendered conversation styles and incorporate a nuanced approach. Times are changing, and so should they.
References
Into the classroom media. (2000). Kanopy – Stream Classic Cinema, Indie Film and Top Documentaries. Www.kanopy.com. https://www.kanopy.com/en/glendale/watch/video/62823
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